What was I to do with this upcoming holiday? How do I handle a day set apart for celebrating “Fathers” when my Father and husband (father of my 3 children) died 8 months apart from each other. I dreaded it. It felt too painful to handle. There are no words to describe this all-encompassing void and yet, I couldn’t avoid it. Reminders were everyone . . . . advertisements for Father’s Day gifts in the mail, on the TV, in shopping malls, radio . . . .special recognition of fathers anticipated at church (to be honest I avoided church on Father’s Day for several years after my husband and father died).
The first Father’s Day with both of these men out of my life, I came up with the brainy idea to take my 14, 12 and 8 year old on a backpack trip, (first time by myself) . . . . after all, their dad loved to backpack so it would be honoring to him and we could somewhat avoid the “in your face reminders” of our fathers not being present.
With all gear in tow including a back pack stove(our means for cooked food that I had just learned how to use a couple days prior), we set out for a short backpack to Twin Lakes in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. This journey of grief I was on was like this back pack trip, I had to learn to do things differently on this adventure called “life”.
Tip #1 Do things differently
Of course things are different! Everything is different. This means to be intentional about doing something different coupled with something familiar. We had been to this same place several times before, but not without their father. It helps to make some plans. It doesn’t have to be as intense as week-end backpack. Maybe this Father’s Day you can intentionally do something different that’s also honoring to your children’s father.
After arriving at the place where we parked our car, we put the back packs on (heavier than I wanted) . . . a stark reminder that my husband had always carried the bulk of the weight, but not today . . . today we would trudge ahead not knowing what was around the bend but looking for the good. I looked at our 3 children and was proud - all decked for the hike, hauling their own heavier than usual backpacks, none the less, ready to go.
I was doing these things “solo” now and didn’t like it but I had no choice so I plodded ahead one step at a time. Our youngest started to complain about the weight of his pack and wanted someone to carry it for him. Not an option for this trip. My pack was already heavier than it had ever been. Instead I encouraged him to put one foot in front of the other, slow and steady.
Tip #2 Take one step at a time
The load gets heavy and it feels like you can’t go on, but you have to others (aka children) are depending on you. We would like the rule book . . . .you know the the abc’s of how to walk through grief and face days like Father’s Day. Well, it doesn’t exist and even if it did, it would not take away the dread and pain. I encourage you to take one step at a time, put one foot in front of the other, face one moment as you walk through Father’s Day.
Walking along the trail, I was struck with a fear of being the only one responsible for these precious children. I had to face this fear to keep from getting paralyzed in my own thoughts. Praying as I walked, I chose to focus on the present beauty around us - dense forest of evergreen trees, colorful wildflowers in the meadow, my brave and beautiful children going on this trip without their daddy. Courageously we trudged along the trail, (luckily it was well marked), we came to the top of the first mountain and were met with the vast beauty of the Sierra Nevada Mountains with snow covered tops. Breath-taking.
Tip #3 Focus on the present
There’s a great temptation to live in the past with constant reminders of “how life use to be.” I urge you to look right now . . . yes this very moment . . at who and what is right in front of you. . . . your children, each with their own uniqueness, other people in your life, the beauty around you (it may be hard to find, but it’s there if you look for it) and the blessings. Notice it and take if all in. Yes, it takes a bit of work, a change in mindset, but you can find it.
As we descended the mountain along the trail, we came around a bend to find sparkling untouched snow - not just a small patch, but the whole side of the mountain was covered in glistening snow!! I had to chuckle to myself . . . my husband actually liked “snow camping” something I had never wanted to experience and never did. Here I was with our 3 children now struggling to walk through sinking snow - a new experience and not so easy with full backpacks strapped to our backs. It definitely was an unexpected adventure their dad would have loved.. As their dad used to say, "The adventure begins when you leave the house."
Tip #4 Be open to new experiences
Do something new, something that may be an adventure or bring a chuckle to you and your children. Open their eyes to realize . . although hard . . life can still be go on and be good. If you only focus on “what was”, you can get stuck and unable to move forward. Be open to “what’s around the bend” New experiences - build resilience - new memories. and give hope for a future.
Fortunately we did not have to pitch our tent in the snow. We did find dry ground, we spent two days and nights in the wilderness, caught trout for dinner in the stream, gazed at the starry night and remembered the wonderful memories we had made at this same exact site. We laughed, we were silly and we shared stories. Had my husband not chosen to include his wife and 3 little ones in his love of hiking outdoors, we would not have been there on this 1st Father’s Day without him.
Tip #5 Remember the memories
Tell your stories - the blessings of a father’s touch on your life. This is different than being “stuck in the past. It’s an incredible joy to remember precious memories and live in the present. Yes, it can initially be hard and painful but worth it as the benefits far outweigh avoiding the memories as we are often tempted to do. Your children may need a boost to get started in sharing their “dad” stories. Start off a story with . .”remember when we or when dad” . . . . As mom begins to remember, their memories kick in gear and the blessings begin.
These tips are not without pain and struggle. It is extremely hard, beyond difficult and even excruciating at times. I urge and plead with you to trudge forward at your own pace and face these difficulties along your grief journey. You do not have to do it alone. I'd love to share some resources with you that have helped me and others. Give me a call for a free phone consultation at 559-577-3994 or email me at patty@counselingfresno.org
GIG (Gals in Growth) - a younger widows group, many with children at home and grown
GriefShare - an educational and support group for those dealing with death of loved ones.
Hinds Hospice - offers various grief groups including “Circle of Friends” for children